Why I considered suicide in April 2016... One of the realest things I've ever written.

Yea you read the title right. VaShaun Nicole, the CEO of VaShaun Nicole Enterprises. The author of Behind Her Eyes. The trailblazer extraordinaire, as people say, has gone through something so tough in the last 6 months, I seriously considered and almost attempted ending my life.

I am a semi-transparent person. I let people in so far then I shut down. I don't talk about what I feel because of the fear of being misunderstood. Often times people assume to much error. They I think what they think and then form opinions.

It happens all the time in society. She thinks she's cute. She thinks (fill in your own opinion here) and then from that opinion you build a thought. You stand on that thought then you move on that thought.

So because I know this about people, I keep everything in a journal. I don't want you to misinterpret anything I say or I do. But people still find things to create erroneous thoughts about. So instead of wearing my heart of my sleeve. I just shut off emotion totally. I stop caring. The dangerous part of that is that also can be misinterpreted. People will call you cocky or arrogant. When the reality is you choose not to feed into their foolishness.

I lend certain information to social media to protect myself. It's hard being vulnerable in the public eye. Especially with people constantly forming their own thoughts about you through their own perception, which could be totally off.

Well now I am about to be 100% vulnerable. This blog post will be included in my next book. But this is just a snippet of the full story.

April 2016 my car died suddenly. I had no way of getting to work. So I took off 2 days to try and find another car. By the grace of God I got another car in 7 days. I had $500 to put down and a prayer. 2 week after purchasing my car, my position dissolved (which is normal in the non-profit world) and I had to depend solely on my company, VaShaun Nicole Enterprises to pay my bills. During this time I sought other employment. My book was in the printing process and I needed large sums of money to complete the project. Slowly but surely I exhausted all my resources. By May 30, all of my bills were due, the note on my new car way due, my company expenses were due and I did not know what to do.

I went into super hustle mode. I donated plasma, I sold my Xbox, I pawned 2 laptops, I took side jobs to make things happen. Still it wasn't enough. During this time my furnace in my house died. My phone died and I literally had no money.

I leaned on my mother when my kids were hungry and I had no groceries. I had their father keep them because my house was so hot on 100 degree days. I would go to job interviews daily to no avail. I didn't eat for a day or so to have gas money to get to my destinations.

All of this went on as I pushed my book, maintained ministry engagements and business obligations. I was tired. Real tired. From April - June I battled extreme depression. One night after crying out to the Lord, I had enough. I am tired of crying. I am tired of being there for everyone and no one being there for me. I sat in my car in my garage and figured out a way to kill myself.

My mom will take my son. My daughter will go with her dad. I will sign my company over to my sister. I will write letters to everyone I love so they knew how much they meant to me before I left. Ironically during that time my mother texted me. I told her I was about to take my dog to the pound. I was about to drop my stuff off to her house. And I was too tired to deal with life. Its too much, I cannot do it anymore. She spoke life to me. I ignored her texts and turned my phone off.

I sat in my garage going over my plan. How will I end my life? In that moment I looked at my car service sticker. The date of service was my son's birthday. I began to weep. I cried for what seemed like forever. How could I be so selfish? My kids would be scarred forever if I took my life. My family would be devastated. I would fail God. So at that moment I chose to live.

The next day I went to Amazon and got a job. I worked a hard 10 hours on my feet in a hot warehouse to make some money. I pushed my business as hard as possible. I sold books. I got enough money to get on my feet. An insurance company that I interviewed with months prior called me with a job offer. I finally had enough money to feel okay. Slowly but surely I got my life on track.

In 4 months I didn't get my hair done. I did it myself. I didn't take selfies because all I saw was pain.

Fast forward to July 23, 2016, that was a day to remember. All my blood, sweat and tears with prayers and hard work manifested in a Book Signing at Barnes and Noble.

So before you form another thought to feed your perception, know that is ONLY by the grace of God that I didn't kill myself in April. Be careful with self-built opinions that may affect your perception. I think of myself like you think your yourself. I don't think of myself higher than anyone else. I just serve a God that thinks highly of me. No more. No less.