Why I considered suicide in April 2016... One of the realest things I've ever written.

Posted by VaShaun Mosby on

Yea you read the title right. VaShaun Nicole, the CEO of VaShaun Nicole Enterprises. The author of Behind Her Eyes. The trailblazer extraordinaire, as people say, has gone through something so tough in the last 6 months, I seriously considered and almost attempted ending my life.

I am a semi-transparent person. I let people in so far then I shut down. I don't talk about what I feel because of the fear of being misunderstood. Often times people assume to much error. They I think what they think and then form opinions.

It happens all the time in society. She thinks she's cute. She thinks (fill in your own opinion here) and then from that opinion you build a thought. You stand on that thought then you move on that thought.

So because I know this about people, I keep everything in a journal. I don't want you to misinterpret anything I say or I do. But people still find things to create erroneous thoughts about. So instead of wearing my heart of my sleeve. I just shut off emotion totally. I stop caring. The dangerous part of that is that also can be misinterpreted. People will call you cocky or arrogant. When the reality is you choose not to feed into their foolishness.

I lend certain information to social media to protect myself. It's hard being vulnerable in the public eye. Especially with people constantly forming their own thoughts about you through their own perception, which could be totally off.

Well now I am about to be 100% vulnerable. This blog post will be included in my next book. But this is just a snippet of the full story.

April 2016 my car died suddenly. I had no way of getting to work. So I took off 2 days to try and find another car. By the grace of God I got another car in 7 days. I had $500 to put down and a prayer. 2 week after purchasing my car, my position dissolved (which is normal in the non-profit world) and I had to depend solely on my company, VaShaun Nicole Enterprises to pay my bills. During this time I sought other employment. My book was in the printing process and I needed large sums of money to complete the project. Slowly but surely I exhausted all my resources. By May 30, all of my bills were due, the note on my new car way due, my company expenses were due and I did not know what to do.

I went into super hustle mode. I donated plasma, I sold my Xbox, I pawned 2 laptops, I took side jobs to make things happen. Still it wasn't enough. During this time my furnace in my house died. My phone died and I literally had no money.

I leaned on my mother when my kids were hungry and I had no groceries. I had their father keep them because my house was so hot on 100 degree days. I would go to job interviews daily to no avail. I didn't eat for a day or so to have gas money to get to my destinations.

All of this went on as I pushed my book, maintained ministry engagements and business obligations. I was tired. Real tired. From April - June I battled extreme depression. One night after crying out to the Lord, I had enough. I am tired of crying. I am tired of being there for everyone and no one being there for me. I sat in my car in my garage and figured out a way to kill myself.

My mom will take my son. My daughter will go with her dad. I will sign my company over to my sister. I will write letters to everyone I love so they knew how much they meant to me before I left. Ironically during that time my mother texted me. I told her I was about to take my dog to the pound. I was about to drop my stuff off to her house. And I was too tired to deal with life. Its too much, I cannot do it anymore. She spoke life to me. I ignored her texts and turned my phone off.

I sat in my garage going over my plan. How will I end my life? In that moment I looked at my car service sticker. The date of service was my son's birthday. I began to weep. I cried for what seemed like forever. How could I be so selfish? My kids would be scarred forever if I took my life. My family would be devastated. I would fail God. So at that moment I chose to live.

The next day I went to Amazon and got a job. I worked a hard 10 hours on my feet in a hot warehouse to make some money. I pushed my business as hard as possible. I sold books. I got enough money to get on my feet. An insurance company that I interviewed with months prior called me with a job offer. I finally had enough money to feel okay. Slowly but surely I got my life on track.

In 4 months I didn't get my hair done. I did it myself. I didn't take selfies because all I saw was pain.

Fast forward to July 23, 2016, that was a day to remember. All my blood, sweat and tears with prayers and hard work manifested in a Book Signing at Barnes and Noble.

So before you form another thought to feed your perception, know that is ONLY by the grace of God that I didn't kill myself in April. Be careful with self-built opinions that may affect your perception. I think of myself like you think your yourself. I don't think of myself higher than anyone else. I just serve a God that thinks highly of me. No more. No less.


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  • Thanks for uncovering your heart VaShaun.

    Though I’ve never gotten to that level of depletion to comtemplate what you did, I have had a dark moment in my life which would have had the same results…intense thoughts of killing my wife.

    But as a testimony, God has allowed me to share this with men on why and how the enemy can come to steal, kill and destroy via the battle within our minds.

    As you shared about thoughts, whether internal or external, they can direct us or others in ways that was as for from the ball field as possible.

    I had a big issue with this. Questioning and analyzing everything I said, or done and always wondering if I  offended someone.

    I really notice this when anytime I was drawing closer to God, that I would say something or do something or act a certain way to people (with the purest of intentions) and immediately afterwards feel this heavy weight of accusations. Then I  would feel that I  let God down and ask my self “How could He ever use someone like me?” Then lastly, I would begin to pull away from God, the word, and prayer, because I felt so unworthy.

    This was a Rollercoaster ride in my spiritual life until one day, about 4 years ago, the Spirit spoke to me so clearly.

    He told me “Don’t you see the cycle when this happens, it happens everytime you are getting closer to me. What I want you to do is when you feel like that heaviness is coming on you, just give it to me and I’ll decide if it’s thought worthy. All I want you to do is to remain focusing on me. If I need to correct you, I  will. If you need do something on your end to maintain the integrity of your heart, I’ll tell you.”

    This has  made my mind such a drama free zone. The moment I give those thoughts to Him it’s almost immediately that I feel free to focus on Him, such peace and I learn truly that, “His yoke is easy and His burden is light!”

    Sounds a little like free writing, right VaShaun? ;-)

    God has no respecter of persons, so I  hope someone can use your testimony and God’s faithfulness to deliver; to experience being an overcomer of rhis world.

    Gary on
  • Praise God for your testimony. You know we as Saints and or Christians as we call ourselves are human too. People think that just because you’re in the God realm that you are not infallible. But we struggle too. But what hurts the most is that you can’t share your struggles with everyone that is supposed to be walking the same walk as you. I’ve never been in this place, however I do understand and know how you can get there. So glad for the voice of God in the window sticker. You have much to do and your transparency will bless many. God bless you Sis.

    Winda on
  • Blessings to you for your transparency! I’m thankful for HIS grace and mercy KEEPING YOU! Continued prayers are we go thru this journey called life. God Bless you!

    Autumn Grace on
  • Transparency Will Win Everytime. That’s what I’m talking about sharing your thoughts and feelings along with struggles. It hurts to know some Christians always want you to profess the goodness of God without sharing the breaking points that helped you realize how good he is. Thanks Nikki!

    Natonia Collins on
  • Transparency Will Win Everytime. That’s what I’m talking about sharing your thoughts and feelings along with struggles. It hurts to know some Christians always want you to process the goodness of God without sharing the breaking points that helped you realize how good he is. Thanks Nikki!

    Natonia Collins on

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